Do you ever find yourself stuck in a state of lack? Have you ever caught yourself feeling hurt or resentful about what you’re not receiving from your friends or family, or simply feeling unloved by your romantic partner or the Universe in general?

This is a topic that I frequently see come up for my clients and friends, and it’s a theme I often recognize in my own life when I’m paying enough attention to catch myself in the act. Whether it’s feeling unsupported by a romantic partner or under-appreciated by a coworker or boss, we all experience feelings of lack from time to time. It’s part of being human. Yet, a spiritual perspective teaches us that we are already complete and whole and that our true power comes from within, which would make lack impossible. So it stands to reason that, if we are already complete as we are, then when we are feeling lack it must be due to something we are withholding from ourselves.

Makes sense, right?

When you think of it this way it’s actually pretty empowering. You already hold the key to everything you need inside of you. (I’m sure you’ve heard this one before.) So, whenever you’re feeling lack around any situation, regardless of what it is, instead of getting taken down by feelings of hurt or anger, try asking the following question: “What am I not giving to myself?” 

This concept really hit home for me a couple months back in kind of a big and amazing way during a time when I was struggling with a romantic relationship. As we know, it’s often during our greatest struggles that our biggest a-ha moments occur. I had been ‘sort of’ seeing this guy (don’t you just love the relationship defining stage? 🙂 ) who at the time seemed kind of unavailable. Deep down I knew (or probably at least sensed) that he wasn’t totally ready for a committed relationship (which is something that I’m looking for), yet I still pursued the situation.

When it became clear that things between us might not stack up in my favor, I quickly found myself taken over by an overwhelming feeling of neediness. Rather than allowing the natural give and take of a healthy dating situation, I was completely consumed by a “how can I get?” mentality. (And I’ll be embarrassingly honest here, I hadn’t even been seeing the guy for that long.) The whole experience turned into one huge trigger for me (because we all know it wasn’t about this particular guy, God bless him) and I spent several days stuck in an energetic headlock while all of my negative thoughts and feelings from past relationships came bubbling to the surface  —- all of the “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not deserving of love” and “I’ll never be in a relationship” stuff that’s totally false.

I was in a total state lack. And it felt awful.

I felt bitter and resentful and completely stuck. But I also knew that I had a choice. Instead of adding another casualty to my already top-heavy tower of past relationship baggage, I decided to make a change. A Course in Miracles teaches us that a miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love. I knew that if I was going to shift my perception around my romantic relationships for good I needed to really examine my thinking. So I began the process of digging deep and asking myself exactly how and where I was remaining stuck in fear and not being accepting of love.

I got honest, and I asked myself some key questions.

Had I been showering myself with love and respect? Had I been showing up for myself in my past relationships by firmly stating my needs and taking steps to ensure those needs were met? Had I been acting and believing as though I was worthy of receiving love?

The answer was no.

I had been operating with the belief that I didn’t deserve love or a constant state of companionship that I could rely on, so that’s exactly what I had received.

Let me take a moment to say that I harbor absolutely no ill feelings toward this man who showed up as a beautiful teacher in my life and probably has his own share of relationship baggage  (because, let’s face it, who doesn’t?) and I consider him a friend today. That said, I knew I had to first change my belief about myself before I could accept it from any external source. I became willing to change my perspective, and so I was guided to a perfect opportunity to act from the place of my new belief.

In my case, the miracle came in the form of an open, honest (and, admittedly, a little awkward) conversation with this man about what I was looking for in a relationship and what I was and was not willing to compromise on. And it felt really good. (Minus the awkward part. 🙂 )  Not because I was able to manipulate him into acting or feeling a certain way, but because I was able to provide for myself what I had been seeking on the outside. And in doing so, I was also able to let him off the hook (goodbye, relationship resentment!) because, ultimately, he is not responsible for my happiness.

Awesome, right?

So the next time you find yourself stuck in a state of lack in a particular situation, rather than allowing yourself to be weighed down by feelings of helplessness and hurt, I want you to dig deep and ask “What am I not giving to myself?”

Let me know what you find. <3

xo

Kristi